Mexican Cherry : life

As we reached the final days of 2017, many thoughts pass through my mind. While playing videogames yesterday and listening to Björk's album Vulnicura, it seemed the old feelings that made me understand the story of it were just an old passage of life, one that is now out of date. This memories marked my life, let's remember 2015 and 2016 got together and punched me in my lowest, leaving me trembling on the floor and sobbing each second, while this year (without a couple of these past few days), was kind and opened the doors of pure happiness again.

I must thank certain individuals for letting me live a life full of joy and excitement, mostly my one and only rock, my 첫사랑 .

Dear,

If you ever read this, I want you to know that you were the only constant this year that I could rely on. Reaching my highest and my lowest, you were always there to support me and cheer on me while I tried to overcome plenty of obstacles. I'll be here for you, always...

Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours

I could say there were characters that played an important role in this years play, and although they are always in my memory, that is what they are now...just a memory. Wish I could change some relationship outcomes but, in the end let's leave the past where it belongs and not base our current behaviour and feelings on it, with a few exceptions of happy memories of course~ It is not about forgetting, it is letting it be, whatever happened has a time and a certain circumstance surrounding the event, and even though we cannot pretend the past doesn't exist (and we shouldn't), we can grow and accept life, because life itself is a wonderful random play that throws weird acts and climaxes infinite times 💕

So, even though 2017 was something to remember and reflex on, this one is going to be a weirder one, since there is not a guideline to tell me where to step, how to go and more important...WHERE?

Let happiness knock on your door and take it down, let it stay and cuddle you to the warmest days ever, not looking back to any bad ~

No matter what happens, guess the only way is forward, but please, stay true to yourself, because this world screams us to be uniform, all the same and just followers. Last year, love taught me a lot. Love yourself, that is the main and most important thing ever...

Just like the moodboard above, my body could grasp love, sexiness, understanding, freedom...I worked plenty and never stopped for a day last year. Every single day I woke up wanting to live. A lot of those locks that were stopping me from having a wonderful romance story were faced, a lot of restrains were burned to never come back, a lot of tears was no longer in the daily roll up that contained life.

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Lately life has been a rollercoaster.

From an earthquake that left me some post traumatic effect, having to change office due it and college madness that comes from dictators that call themselves teachers~ But what makes things hard everyday is not really an outside influence. I feel like now live is sleeping on a cutesy and spiraling outta control SLUMP!

And realizations came, telling me there are a lot of minds wanting me to go some way, but in the middle of satisfying everyone's needs or expectations, I lost it. Had a breakdown a couple of weeks ago and from there I could tell that every action was directed towards others and not to my own achievements. Doing stuff and not getting credit gets harder when you apply knowledge to it, when you have lived that way always and then your brain tells you: Hey! Shouldn't we get credit for things we do? Well yeah!!

After that spiraling madness of life in September my Elle Woods slash Andy from Devil Wears Prada motivation hit me hard. It sums up into these big mistakes of mine:

1.- Ok. I am not eating propperly. Not feeding my body, no no, NOT FUELING it!

2.- Worrying over the biggest test/more important one ever in my college lifetime, but not doing a damn thing about it!

3.- Watching every minimalism/style/make up/decluttering/early riser... PRODUCTIVITY videos but not applying shit to my own life.

4.- I realize I'm LATE for everything! And bae was very clear telling me I could lose huge opportunities just for arriving late every single time plus, nobody likes that, not even I like it...but now it has become a habit that needs to stop!

5.- Changing behaviour of work and productivity to stay - chill-

Abandoning your aspirations, goals or routines just to please others can become really dangerous to yourself. If you're ever in the middle of that cycle, please stop. Seems like everyone wants us to be some kind of way, but c'mon there is nothing bad with being yourself. This hit me this weekend...why did I ever stop working until late night? Why did I stop perfectioning my work? Why did I kept on putting my own confort over way more important things?

For example, dieting over 10 years ain't pretty. Let me tell you, it becomes a disastreous loop of dissapointment. Why? As far as I can tell and leaving aside ED thoughts and behaviours, there was never enough done, always leaving in the middle, when progress was not arriving as fast as wanted or when emotions hit hard and food was conforting. Tonight I tell my self... Babygirl it is time to STOP!

Time to rise above everything and reach to my inner strength. No pleasing others, time to fight for myself and don't let anyone shame me for who I am or how I do stuff. This time it is for me and I want my best! Change & progress won't be visible in one day, maybe two or maybe nobody will notice for weeks...months!

So this is the plan:

First, follow the nutrition plan I have and stop indulging just because.
STUDY: Even reading a chapter or concepts everyday will help.
Wake up EARLY for once and everyday ~Always, because no, I don't need the extra 20 minutes of sleep, I need to get ready and make it early to work, noup...make it early to EVERYWHERE! This needs to become a habit again.
Use all the knowledge on productivity acquired from other talented and productive individuals.
Stay true to myself. Live for myself.

October is gonna be such a great month, I'm gonna own it, take it in my hands and get the badass girl that is in me right out for the world to know ~

I deserve the best and no in betweens, either yes or no

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Era un día de San Valentín cualquiera, al menos cualquiera de los que pasé en preparatoria y la escuela decidió que era buena idea llevarnos a todos al cine a ver una película de zombies que sí, se enamoran y bueno, de lo lindo todo.

Antes de esta ocasión, mis amigos sabían muy bien de un crush mío, ese chico dreamy pero nerdy, que tenía sonrisa colgate y además era listo, jugaba volleyball y se lucía por lo alto. Era flaco y bastante reservado, pero para mí en ese entonces era un chico que me gustaba demasiado.

Volviendo a lo del cine, días antes decidí tomar el asunto en mis manos y confesarme, era cuando el drama coreano me daba bastantes ideas y eso de la confesión fue muy popular, así que dije ok, ¿Cómo decirle? Inventé un dichoso intercambio de regalos entre toda la clase, solo para poder comprar una taza de espresso blanca y que no me dijeran nada en casa, aparte de pensar en hornearla con un diseño hecho por mí.

El hecho de que fuera homemade también me daba esa ilusión de que el chico dijera wow! ok! seamos algo! (lo cual ahora pienso que fue super iluso de mi parte), pero bueno yo la hice toda linda con la frase en espiral y por dentro de la taza se leía:

Will you be my valentine?

La envolví y en una bolsa color morado (mi favorito), esperando lo mejor, otros detalles no recuerdo.

Ugh! Ese día me llevaron en auto al lugar y no sé si salimos a destiempo o algo por el estilo pero llegué super tarde y cuando todos ya estaban dentro de la sala. Lo que si es que mis amigos sabían que me gustaba y me guardaban un lugar junto a él, aunque cuando llegué alguien más lo había tomado, así que pasé toda la función en la parte de abajo y con un amigo que gracias al cielo me ayudó a no sentirme tan sola en el área de maestros... acabando la película salimos y todos andaban ya sea de shopping o viendo si íbamos a comer juntos.

Antes de esto llamé al chico y sin decirle nada solo le di la bolsa, porque preguntó para quién era o si me lo habían dado, extendí ridículamente mis brazos y se lo di, después de eso dijo amablemente, gracias! y nos separamos....en parte porque era la primera vez que yo hacía algo así con alguien que me gustara (lo cual era inusual) y también porque de la emoción salí corriendo lejos y llorando del shock y de lo boba que me sentí haciendo eso, aunque varias de mis amigas felicitaron el momento y lo valiente que fue.

Pasó el tiempo y de hecho fuimos a comer en la misma plaza; no lo volví a ver ese día, así que era obvio el resultado. Otro amigo solo me pudo decir que fue un "shock" para él y que no sabía que hacer, pero era obvio el rechazo, sino qué más?

Ni siquiera fue capaz de mencionar el tema, nunca hablamos de eso y solo lo dejé ir...me trató como si no hubiera pasado nada, solo amigos y ni siquiera de los cercanos. Creo que eso cuenta como experiencia de lo que muchos llaman friendzone, pero solo sé que desde ese entonces decidí que yo no haría el first move de ser novios o algo así, o sea si decir hey me gustas! pero no la pregunta que hace oficial a la pareja, porque esa experiencia me hizo darme cuenta de que quiero vivirlo, ser yo la que reciba algo lindo como lo que hice, que ese momento alguien lo preparara conmigo en mente...

Confiaba mucho en la valentía de declararse una y hacer la pregunta, pero al menos una vez en la vida, quiero sentir mariposas de que el hombre en cuestión haga una pregunta así, cursi o no, es algo que me gustaría y es por ello que dejé de lado la idea de ser yo la que hiciera tal cosa, al menos para "la pregunta" y no puedo decir que no he pensado en ello, porque cuando te pega el amor puedes hacer cualquier cosa, pero al menos en este asunto aún me reservaré ser el primero que alce la voz.

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Today is the day I will be exposing a story that I believe a lot of people can relate to.

Cherry entered college

In the begining everything was fine, met friends and within there was a special girl that was very alike in terms of working, fact that made projects super easy at the time and with the best grade always. Of course we partnered for everything, it was the best choice, wasting less time working and getting ultimate results, yup! It was good.

What I'm about to say might sound like bragging but as someone has told me:

You don't have to apologize for success, not when you have fought for it and worked you ass off to get what you have~

- I've always been an excellence student, yes, always, my parents raised me with that purpose in mind actually so, rivals tend to come on the way in order to take your first place and smile above you, now to add a bit more, I am very competitive in all matters, and want to win all the time (who doesn't?) and this girl presented to me as the same. She is very very competitive and will literally do anything to get what she wants. Either way our grades were always really the same, so we were practically the perfect TEAM.

Time passed and...turns out Cherry fell in love, and love has a cost sometimes... it all went perfect but on the journey, there were some challenges for da relationship to grow and remain as beautiful as it is at the moment (Ha! spoiler!). Let me tell you, Cherry is very emotional, her feelings are intense most of the time and there is no way to stop her from crying when she really is hurt. I have mentioned in TRUST ISSUES: PART I a bit of the story or some effects of it, at least the ugly side.

So, considering a lingering sadness

...and growing ache in roots of jealousy (obviously potentialized by real facts and events) this specific friend became a shoulder to cry on, since she was pretty much the one I had to spend three quarters of my day with -we had all our classes together- and she really listened.

At this moment of tranquility now I realize that many of her consolation speeches were mostly adding to the pain, they were not improving in any way, but rather depressing and making me doubt even more of what was going on.

This became eviden after my storm was over and happiness took over, since Cherry told her about all of the cute and fun stuff that happened regarding the painful situation and her reaction was pretty much cold stone and she instantly began to remind me all the bad aspects that his particular person has, how I didn't got what I wanted specifically, how this could lead to failure, how the other girl would never go away and well... reminding me all of the bad and no, no, it was not in a sense of hey girl be careful, I don't want him to hurt you again, no, it was said with such a tone that made me feel weird, even uncomfortable.

Why wasn't she happy that I finally was?

Throughout our college journey competition was evident as I said, but pretty normal actually, in my head love and growing up internally was a priority, because I consider these experiences one of a kind, the ones that help you learn more about yourself and guide your path towards a true destination, along maturity and tranquility in the overall life scenario. After my second semester breakdown due obtaining a B that would bring my GPA down by a tiny important bit - that in the end didn't matter at all- I realized there was more to worry about and the grading process is not fair at all for anyone! You can get an A with plenty methods that do not require learning for real, but let's say that while I had fun and relaxed a bit, she struggled a bit more with the love part.

My friend had a tough experience

That could all be solved by propper communication but at the moment we both suffered, but in her case studies were number one priority, above anything else and it was obvious she loved to beat everyone in the class, not in the best way we must add...

To make it shorter, this friend made it obvious that it was all good and magic when I was beneath her, in grades, crying over heartbreak, getting fatter even! but aslong as she had it "better" our so called friendship that well was mostly just partnership, was gonna remain the same. When my life turned around and got finally lovely, she started to leave and to be honest it may be one of the best things that happened during my college days.

I cried over this, yes I did, because no matter what we had, it was a huge part of my life aswell and suddenly breaking all contact was not really the way I expected things to go, and as a villain, which makes it worse, when literally all I did was study, go to work and spend time with my loved man. It came as a shock but all we lived, it became clear to me that she wasn't really a nice energy to keep around, she was the opposite of it, always expecting me to be down or at least not above her. Many would say that it was not the case and I made it up, that is how social life works, everyone makes up things about events that aren't even part of their life, creating unnecessary rumours and unreal details.

After she left me

...cutting all contact we ever had, my struggle to survive without a partner to share work or free time in between classes was hard, but after realizing how bad our energies were together, how the interaction added no good to self development and greatness, then my soul was finally in peace, there was no pain, no tears, no late night projects, no drama, and most of all, there was no one to bring me down anymore, no one inserting doubt in my life.

Currently I spend my days working, lazying around and meeting friends, spending also a ridiculous amount of time dedicated to my love. In general it is all about getting better, enjoying life and remember these situations happen, we change, we are dynamic creatures that are in constant change, so I'm not surprised by that and can only learn with the experience, remembering all the good times we had together and expecting she feels the same way, living life to its fullest, with no regret or bad energy involved, I wish her all the happiness~

For all the cherries going through a situation like this

It all goes better, if your friend leaves, remember it is not your fault, we change all the time and it is most likely that you both do not need each others energies at the moment and to experience a different light is always part of life.

Remember all the good times and learn through this.

Cry all you want & need, even if you weren't truly friends, a partner always touches the heart.

Enjoy yourself: It is time to discover what you are in the most RAW state, explore all of your senses,time to reset and find

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First time I actually looked at my closet with the intention of owning what works and makes me happy, I realized half of it was mainly stuff that for me has no use anymore. I told others about my decluttering process and pretty much everyone told me: SELL IT ALL

Amm yeah, by selling every item that came out from the decluttering stage of my closet, you can easily earn a few thousands, but why sell it? Sure, a student like me could use some extra money, but remember, people with nothing at all could use some clothes, something to help them live by & this is why I started looking out for options.

There are plenty shelters in my city, they specialize in a lot really! Choosing was too hard, should I give it to kids? migrants? to the elderly? Before I could actually do anything about it someone knocked on my door. A lady with two children was asking for help, she said everything was useful for her since she was homeless. In Mexico help for the homeless is quite restricted, they have to go through a lot of paper work and most of them don't want or can actually pass the required minimum to obtain government aid. As bad as this sounds there are multiple shelters that work independently but they can be difficult to be found, that is why a lot preffer to stay on the streets and ask for help.

Now, this lady had come to my house before but i didn't know about it since my mother was the one helping her without telling us, so I though ok, money is worthy for her and the children but these items (clothes mostly) can actually help her and idk maybe she can sell or trade them, they are really useful and I reallly don't have feelings left for them. My mother thought it was a good idea and well the lady accepted the items with a huuuuuge smile which made me realize it was the best choice!

Now I want to share the love once more and tell you guys that no matter how small, help is always welcomed in any specie, food, clothes, money or even meds (careful, simple and no prescription ones or talk to a doctor before aiding) everything is helpful to those who have nothing else.

I will keep donating stuff I declutter and search for other shelters that accept them too! Helping others not only yes, helps others haha but it is also an action that helps yourself by letting go and learning to share, to give away things that have no place in your space and could mean the world to others!

I encourage you to take at least one item and donate it to the shelter or person of your preference, believe me, we all have at least 10 items that we no longer need ;)

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This entry might be one that a lot can identify with, since it is about a process we all go through our entire life, yes loves, it is Change.

When we are little, everyone places expectations for us, how we have to be as adults, our profession, lifestyle, even our sexuality is involved here! Every single aspect of life is ridiculously expected to be perfect, free of errors and always aspiring to become what our ancestors couldn't. Somehow it shakes our little core, influencing decisions in our path.

I will ommit the biological change for this text, later we'll be able to discuss such matters in a more detailed way, that and the adversities it has for us when it happens. Ok to go on, our mind is always processing information, brain is one hardcore worker! To me the struggle that comes with change is the hardship of moving out of comfort, out of my coccoon in which I develop for a period of time, or maybe even the routine that enhances my productivity and happiness also. Could be anything I am happy with and believe me, everytime I get to a good point in life, where I don't even worry and smile everyday the issues arise, having me thinking of the past, mistakes, future and worries overall.

It stops me from living my happy present

Even though we are forced to change by growing up and social activities recquired with age, some of us really cry our heart out every stage of life. I remember being so afraid of entering college and damn, I'm graduating this year! It is unbeliavable to me, the actual fact still hasn't processed enough in my mind to accept that in a few months I'll be crossing another stage and will have to adapt to another and scarier one no matter what.

Avoiding reality

To me, games were just a part of my day that caused fun, they give my brain a rest but also exercise some of the creativity, strategy and motor skills. It is all fun and games until you realize that you spend your day wishing for some time to play, which becomes a whole afternoon and then a daily routine.

Even though I don't judge games or people who play them, I notice that for me, they have become an escape from my changing reality, since I rather play Age of Empires than study or clean my living space. I realized the act of gaming became my comfort zone even though the majority of the time I lose in them, but it is incredible how building a virtual reality is so relaxing, numbs the mind and lets it breathe without worrying about anything real.

Until you wake up in the morning and there are no clean clothes, your bedroom is a mess and you haven't propperly fed yourself in a long time, or fed the brain some juicy information.

Recognition and Acceptation

I am not doing anything for myself.

Repeat and actually recognize that even though it is lovely to build an entire civilization or watch other people reach their dreams, you have a body & mind of your own that needs nourishment, no one else can do it for you and no game will ever let you manage real life as easy as a ctrl clic will ever do.

It feels like crap, yes! Believe me, we all go through a moment in life that destroys the cloud of numbing we sometimes live in, nobody likes to hear they're failing to themselves. And by failing I mean not taking care or listening to the person you are, no interruptions and no comfort treats of any kind but a raw version of yourself.

Once we accept that we are not really working towards anything to take care of ourselves, then change can happen. This time, change that we can sort of manage and launch without being absorbed by an external change. To me it came represented in the way of decluttering, cleaning, dieting (learning how to eat) and exercising. I'm not perfect and all of these had setbacks, but I recognized my obstacles and got up to emend them. Gotta remember life is one, is today.

So, what next?

Ok, we have discussed ups and downs, now what are we supposed to do? My honest advice and what I am following at the moment is to be true to yourself, listen to what you need (body & mind), don't give up, changes might be hard but it's happening either way, some of them are unavoidable and the best we can do is outgrow them.

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Hello & Welcome to a cherry post that this time, will tell you how one afternoon ...

As a 13/14 year old girl, life did not had terrible complications, but it started to crumble with the surprise of depression alongside a growing eating dissorder. I was very sad, cried in school, nobody ever worried too much, not enough to actually figure out it was more serious than hormonal changes.

I hated my body, surrounded by a 60cm waist mother, a grandma that bought waist trainers for me when I was only eleven and the usual social pressure comming from already skinny friends, my mental health started deterioring, restricting my food intake, getting into self injury and a bad community of ANA's that were not helpful at all, at least in making progress or recovering.

This summes up a bit from my early teenager years. Rock music calmed me a lot, but most of it would be the one that comes with sad lyrics or dramatic lyrics, yup! a slight dramatic genre of it, sad ballads, sad rock, sad and angry metal, That and even more! So, my daily inspiration was not the best to stay on track with recovery, or actually trying it for real! Indulging in sad melodies everyday was definitely not the way to happy state (at least for my case).

One Saturday afternoon while browsing Youtube videos, watching some performances of my rock bands and exploring everything I could, the section called "videos being watched right now" caught my attention. It was a pink thumbnail with girls in it, to the date, the reason of why I cliked that video remains unknown, but it led to a significative point in life that would change it all.

Here I present you the first K-pop video that shook my mind

❤

The song might not be the greates musical discovery, but it surely had nothing to do with any sadness or feeling that evoked it. It was just fun and not at all tiring, in fact, it made me want to learn their dance and sing along even though the lyrics are in korean and at the time I only understood english. That video led me to explore more, first I searched for more material of the beloved Wondergirls (sadly now disbanded) and I found a range of groups that had a diversity of charms to offer. A lot of people say k-pop groups are all the same, but believe me if you look past prejudice and actually look at them, you will eventually know k-pop has a ton of styles within, not being globed by a certain way.

Back to my story, this little girl started to follow their activities, browsing through multiple korean sites, videos and lyrics (romanized of course) leading me to grow interest not only in k-pop, but in Korea itself. Due that, I learned how to read their alphabet, to pronounce and sing propperly.

Culture has always been an interest of mine, I read a lot and investigate about a ton of them online so, Korea became my focus and I learned even more about it through, guess what! Variety Shows! Learning vocabulary and mannerisms became way easier with them on my side and this culture showed me a side of life that can really affect everyone's lives in a sweet positive way.

If you know about Korea, you must know already that self-growth, hard-work, constance and everyday upgrade are vital components of life over there. Having this in mind, even though my eating dissorder wasn't cured magically, it was certainly re-directing itself to a more positive light, having me eat healthier foods like: sweet potatoes, lettuce (kimchi influenced), milk, even meat! I was going through a vegetarian period and cut out meat but watching shows of koreans eating it simply made my mouth water :3

From this day my discipline totally upgraded, i learned dances (I still know the steps for the song above), korean language, korean culture, history and even geography! Wondergirls became my beloved girlgroup and even though there are hundreds of them now and they disbanded recently, they're always gonna be in my heart. I sincerely think that you can make the best out of any hobby such as dancing k-pop, watching variety shows and more into a really nice activity that also brings something to your own life.

My depression was not magically healed or gone, but it got way better, this songs helped me get a different perspective, everything was happier, videos made me dance and workout and overall be a happier girl in my everyday life, even now when I'm blue and need a hype I can always trust some k-pop to brighten my day!

I hope others can have this experience and get to know more than what meets the eye and not only stay with music and idols, but go beyond and explore this beautiful culture.

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