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There was a time my body had no strength, my fingers wouldn't move as much as I wanted. At the gym, I stood in the locker room with no fuel to take me to the training room, then tears came and I had to change my clothes realizing there was no way I could even start my routine.
Everyone said keeping your mind busy was the best, but what happens with the memory? Is there a reset button that can make you forget all the painful moments? My memory is way too good for those and flashbacks are its favorite hobby. They said you get to move on when you don't have time to grieve. I did not find a bit of calm those months. Staying busy was even worse...and I fell asleep crying most of the times, knowing that I had to remain as silent as possible or else I would make everyone else worry over me.
I begged, prayed and yelled to the sky for help, but my feelings were too deep, already too intense to stop. Friends desisted on counseling, since I listened but never followed any, or if anything not completely. I kept saying to myself :
"I will do as I want and live everything without any restraint".
This saying would take me to the highest and drop me from there. Every day felt like a roller coaster and I had no other relief but dancing my heart out and crying. I lost weight. They asked...how? What is the secret? The reply was "You get really sad and stop eating :) "
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Even though friends were there for me, happiness lasted for minutes only, work was a burden, my mind was so full that it pushed my willing to learn really down. I did not fail any class or stopped doing my homework, but it got exhausting... I realized nobody really cares about others too much, since we are all so deep into our own stories, so I do not take it personal if someone does not care bout me anymore, I know there are other things the mind keeps busy with and it is ok. It is normal. My mind was busy too, maybe way too much.
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Sad songs were not good, but the lyrics of anger and betrayal felt as real as ever, filling my eyes with tears most of the time, making my breathe stop and my heart ache. I dreamed of better days and wondered... what did I do wrong?
Anyway... maybe it was not the best road to go through and part of my life is marked by those chapters written, but it taught me to stand for myself and not let anyone fool me, to learn that what I want and believe must be a reason to fight and not give up. Learned I have qualities such as loyalty, kindness, empathy, honesty...blah blah blah. This awful collection of moments depured every single part that did not match the puzzle.
I got hit by light afterwards, without me asking for it, it arrived taking me warmly and cleansing bad thoughts, memories and reasons of the past...and you know what, I can't be happier than now, I'm in love with life, I'm in love with love
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
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