Mexican Cherry

Cherry entered college

In the begining everything was fine, met friends and within there was a special girl that was very alike in terms of working, fact that made projects super easy at the time and with the best grade always. Of course we partnered  for everything, it was the best choice, wasting less time working and getting ultimate results, yup! It was good. 

What I'm about to say might sound like bragging but as someone has told me:

You don't have to apologize for success, not when you have fought for it and worked you ass off to get what you have~ 

- I've always been an excellence student, yes, always, my parents raised me with that purpose in mind actually so, rivals tend to come on the way in order to take your first place and smile above you, now to add a bit more, I am very competitive in all matters, and want to win all the time (who doesn't?) and this girl presented to me as the same. She is very very competitive and will literally do anything to get what she wants. Either way our grades were always really the same, so we were practically the perfect TEAM. 

Time passed and...turns out Cherry fell in love, and love has a cost sometimes... it all went perfect but on the journey, there were some challenges for da relationship to grow and remain as beautiful as it is at the moment (Ha! spoiler!). Let me tell you, Cherry is very emotional, her feelings are intense most of the time and there is no way to stop her from crying when she really is hurt. I have mentioned in TRUST ISSUES: PART I  a bit of the story or some effects of it, at least the ugly side.  

So, considering a lingering sadness

...and growing ache in roots of jealousy (obviously potentialized by real facts and events) this specific friend became a shoulder to cry on, since she was pretty much the one I had to spend three quarters of my day with -we had all our classes together- and she really listened.

 At this moment of tranquility now I realize that many of her consolation speeches were mostly adding to the pain, they were not improving in any way, but rather depressing and making me doubt even more of what was going on. 

This became eviden after my storm was over and happiness took over, since Cherry told her about all of the cute and fun stuff that happened regarding the painful situation and her reaction was pretty much cold stone and she instantly began to remind me all the bad aspects that his particular person has, how I didn't got what I wanted specifically, how this could lead to failure, how the other girl would never go away and well... reminding me all of the bad and no, no, it was not in a sense of hey girl be careful, I don't want him to hurt you again, no, it was said with such a tone that made me feel weird, even uncomfortable. 

Throughout our college journey competition was evident as I said, but pretty normal actually, in my head love and growing up internally was a priority, because I consider these experiences one of a kind, the ones that help you learn more about yourself and guide your path towards a true destination, along maturity and tranquility in the overall life scenario. After my second semester breakdown due obtaining a B that would bring my GPA down by a tiny important bit - that in the end didn't matter at all- I realized there was more to worry about and the grading process is not fair at all for anyone! You can get an A with plenty methods that do not require learning for real, but let's say that while I had fun and relaxed a bit, she struggled a bit more with the love part. 

My friend had a tough experience

 That could all be solved by propper communication but  at the moment we both suffered, but in her case studies were number one priority, above anything else and it was obvious she loved to beat everyone in the class, not in the best way we must add... 

To make it shorter, this friend made it obvious that it was all good and magic when I was beneath her, in grades, crying over heartbreak, getting fatter even! but aslong as she had it "better" our so called friendship that well was mostly just partnership, was gonna remain the same. When my life turned around and got finally lovely, she started to leave and to be honest it may be one of the best things that happened during my college days. 

I cried over this, yes I did, because no matter what we had, it was a huge part of my life aswell and suddenly breaking all contact was not really the way I expected things to go, and as a villain, which makes it worse, when literally all I did was study, go to work and spend time with my loved man. It came as a shock but all we lived, it became clear to me that she wasn't really a nice energy to keep around, she was the opposite of it, always expecting me to be down or at least not above her. Many would say that it was not the case and I made it up, that is how social life works, everyone makes up things about events that aren't even part of their life, creating unnecessary rumours and unreal details. 

After she left me

...cutting all contact we ever had, my struggle to survive without a partner to share work or free time in between classes was hard, but after realizing how bad our energies were together, how the interaction added no good to self development and greatness, then my soul was finally in peace, there was no pain, no tears, no late night projects, no drama, and most of all, there was no one to bring me down anymore, no one inserting doubt in my life. 

Currently I spend my days working, lazying around and meeting friends, spending also a ridiculous amount of time dedicated to my love. In general it is all about getting better, enjoying life and remember these situations happen, we change, we are dynamic creatures that are in constant change, so I'm not surprised by that and can only learn with the experience, remembering all the good times we had together and expecting she feels the same way, living life to its fullest, with no regret or bad energy involved, I wish her all the happiness~  

🍒🍒🍒

This entry might be one that a lot can identify with, since it is about a process we all go through our entire life, yes loves, it is Change. 

When we are little, everyone places expectations for us, how we have to be as adults, our profession, lifestyle, even our sexuality is involved here! Every single aspect of life is ridiculously expected to be perfect, free of errors and always aspiring to become what our ancestors  couldn't. Somehow it shakes our little core, influencing decisions in our path. 

I will ommit the biological change for this text, later we'll be able to discuss such matters in a more detailed way, that and the adversities it has for us when it happens.  Ok to go on, our mind is always processing information, brain is one hardcore worker! To me the struggle that comes with change is the hardship of moving out of comfort, out of my coccoon in which I develop for a period of time, or maybe even the routine that enhances my productivity and happiness also. Could be anything I am happy with and believe me, everytime I get to a good point in life, where I don't even worry and smile everyday the issues arise, having me thinking of the past, mistakes, future and worries overall. 

It stops me from living my happy present 

Even though we are forced to change by growing up and social activities recquired with age, some of us really cry our heart out every stage of life. I remember being so afraid of entering college and damn, I'm graduating this year! It is unbeliavable to me, the actual fact still hasn't processed enough in my mind to accept that in a few months I'll be crossing another stage and will have to adapt to another and scarier one no matter what.


Avoiding reality 

To me, games were just a part of my day that caused fun, they give my brain a rest but also exercise some of the creativity, strategy and motor skills. It is all fun and games until you realize that you spend your day wishing for some time to play, which becomes a whole afternoon and then a daily routine.

Even though I don't judge games or people who play them, I notice that for me, they have become an escape from my changing reality, since I rather play Age of Empires than study or clean my living space. I realized the act of gaming became my comfort zone even though the majority of the time I lose in them, but it is incredible how building a virtual reality is so relaxing, numbs the mind and lets it breathe without worrying about anything real.

Until you wake up in the morning and there are no clean clothes, your bedroom is a mess and you haven't propperly fed yourself in a long time, or fed the brain some juicy information.


Recognition and Acceptation 

I am not doing anything for myself.

Repeat and actually recognize that even though it is lovely to build an entire civilization or watch other people reach their dreams, you have a body & mind of your own that needs nourishment, no one else can do it for you and no game will ever let you manage real life as easy as a ctrl clic will ever do.

It feels like crap, yes! Believe me, we all go through a moment in life that destroys the cloud of numbing we sometimes live in, nobody likes to hear they're failing to themselves. And by failing I mean not taking care or listening to the person you are, no interruptions and no comfort treats of any kind but a raw version of yourself.

Once we accept that we are not really working towards anything to take care of ourselves, then change can happen. This time, change that we can sort of manage and launch without being absorbed by an external change. To me it came represented in the way of decluttering, cleaning, dieting (learning how to eat) and exercising. I'm not perfect and all of these had setbacks, but I recognized my obstacles and got up to emend them. Gotta remember life is one, is today.

So, what next? 

Ok, we have discussed ups and downs, now what are we supposed to do? My honest advice and what I am following at the moment is to be true to yourself, listen to what you need (body & mind), don't give up, changes might be hard but it's happening either way, some of them are unavoidable and the best we can do is outgrow them.

 🍒

There was a time my body had no strength, my fingers wouldn't move as much as I wanted. At the gym, I stood in the locker room with no fuel to take me to the training room, then tears came and I had to change my clothes realizing there was no way I could even start my routine. 

Everyone said keeping your mind busy was the best, but what happens with the memory? Is there a reset button that can make you forget all the painful moments? My memory is way too good for those and flashbacks are its favorite hobby. They said you get to move on when you don't have time to grieve. I did not find a bit of calm those months. Staying busy was even worse...and I fell asleep crying most of the times, knowing that I had to remain as silent as possible or else I would make everyone else worry over me. 

I begged, prayed and yelled to the sky for help, but my feelings were too deep, already too intense to stop. Friends desisted on counseling, since I listened but never followed any, or if anything not completely. I kept saying to myself : 

"I will do as I want and live everything without any restraint". 

Sad songs were not good, but the lyrics of anger and betrayal felt as real as ever, filling my eyes with tears most of the time, making my breathe stop and my heart ache. I dreamed of better days and wondered... what did I do wrong? 

Anyway... maybe it was not the best road to go through and part of my life is marked by those chapters written, but it taught me to stand for myself and not let anyone fool me, to learn that what I want and believe must be a reason to fight and not give up. Learned I have qualities such as loyalty, kindness, empathy, honesty...blah blah blah. This awful collection of moments depured every single part that did not match the puzzle. 

I got hit by light afterwards, without me asking for it, it arrived taking me warmly and cleansing bad thoughts, memories and reasons of the past...and you know what, I can't be happier than now, I'm in love with life, I'm in love with love  

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

050614