TRUST ISSUES: PART I
*This content was previously posted on Bloglovin', no worries I wrote it and wanted it to appear in here too*
To be honest, completely and nothing to hide honest, there are still times I feel vulnerable and insecure.
Why? First of all, I've never been a girl that forgives and forgets quickly. Nope! I am the opposite and I only forgive when there are really strong reasons to. Life has treated me weirdly, not bad, but surely reminding me (or at least that is what my mind processed at the time) that I needed to be better, that there is always someone better than you and you can get replaced no matter what.
That thought has gotten me into discussions with others through time, but in the end it still remains, in a lower degree, but still...replaceable. It comes with a low self-esteem and the fact that most of the time I do not feel prettty at all. I do not even look at myself that much, the image of mine is distorted in my head and I remember my body and face way too different every time.
But this perception problems are meant to be written in a different post. They serve as the background of my current feelings though.
Tonight, the night the thirteenth episode of Girlboss was playing in my dimlighted room when I realised that what happens to Sophia, happened to me aswell. In a different way, but the feelings were pretty much the same. Short story, she gets cheated on and at first her mind doesn't process the load of emotions, helping her focus on the launch of Nasty Gal. She discovers the unfaithful man getting a blowjob from a girl of the band he plays the drums for...yup! She watches and goes away, but doesn't have the courage to break up with him or better said...she doesn't want to!
I have been there, you know, I have always been the jealous kind but this time my jealousy became pain. Watching my love flirting around with another girl and knowing exactly how he behaves so, everytime you see them together you know there is something going on between them, even if he doesn't tell anyone, because you love him girl! You pretty much know everything about him and there is a point where intuition makes you wonder even more. He cheated on me in a very weird way and to the day, I still imagine different scenarios, ones where I fight for what I want and confront him from the beginning. Ones where he tells me the truth and I can leave him and keep going with my life.
Don't get me wrong, my current life is damn happy!! I'm in love and enjoying life with ma special one~
❤❤❤
A year ago, everyone that knew me was tired, tears wouldn't stop flowing and all I could think was how? why is he doing this to me? Am I not good enough? and the worst of all ... Is she better than me?
These questions wandered my mind through a couple of months, I ran into her and thought if she wondered the same, if she knew the man she was flirting with or dating (I don't have the details on how far they went with their connection) was the same I loved, the same that was talking sweet to me, texting and still kissing me. We will never know, but this cherry thought she had no chance. Knewing ma man, she was way more hipster style than I ever will, she listens to music that they both enjoy, she knows more about digital programs and I won't mention what she does but, yeah they both knew about it. So, interests and looks were against me & my mind played tricks with my head making me feel like shit.
Not a beautiful girl, fat/chubby, short, straight no live hair...etc. Have you ever felt like there is something going on but you have no proof of it? Well, since he did the "stuff" in private and barely anyone knew about this situation, I had no other way of knowing what was going on. I tried to ask him but he's not the kind of man you can actually discuss these doubts with.
Going back to trust, mine was broken. I felt like everyone could lie to me, betray me and leave me. I felt like there was no one real, no one caring enough. In part that was true, but mostly it was my insecurity showing through, it was heartache pouring out of my pores, it was everything I needed to express to him and couldn't, every single question left unanswered and every time I had to see them together.
My days now are close to perfection as I wrote above, but there are sometimes these horrible flashbacks that show me what he did. How I cried my heart out and fell asleep with puffy eyes and mostly, every single time he broke my heart. Someone said that the only way to know if you can trust someone is just like that, trusting. That is the only way and even if you ask, there is no guarantee it won't happen again.
Yeah, hooray! My heart was broken once, and even though it kept loving, the healing process is quite slow, my love cannot fullfil everything and reach the areas that were neglected once, I need his help and reassurance just to know and believe that nothing bad is happening, that he won't do that again. Yes, it sounds awful, but just a single sentence is more than enough.
There are some things I wish I could change, because honestly, sometimes I feel like he is not sure about me and that is the reason of not publicly showing we are together, of not defining our status and barely interacting in other spaces where strangers don't form a barrier of privacy. These are the reasons the trust I deposit in him sometimes gets all alarmed and clingy, I am truly sorry for this.
Trust is a really weird concept and everyone gets to experience it in a different way...
Even if I don't get anything back or in return to what I do and say, believe me, he has become one of the most important people in my life and I am sorry to him for not being able to forget as quickly as he does, sorry for sometimes getting jealous of stupid things, real sorry for reacting so weird when I feel a slight sign of what happened before, if you ever read this, sorry bae...I am working on it and slowly moving on and forgetting every single detail of what happened, no matter what, remember that I love you my dear.
Till this day sometimes I'm weak and have bad thoughts, but surely wanting to improve and slowly but surely, get over these annoying trust issues.
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