Mexican Cherry

From an earthquake that left me some post traumatic effect, having to change office due it and college madness that comes from dictators that call themselves teachers~ But what makes things hard everyday is not really an outside influence. I feel like now live is sleeping on a cutesy and spiraling outta control SLUMP!

1.-  Ok. I am not eating propperly. Not feeding my body, no no, NOT FUELING it! 

2.- Worrying over the biggest test/more important one ever in my college lifetime, but not doing a damn thing about it! 

3.- Watching every minimalism/style/make up/decluttering/early riser... PRODUCTIVITY videos but not applying shit to my own life. 

4.- I realize I'm LATE for everything! And bae was very clear telling me I could lose huge opportunities just for arriving late every single time plus, nobody likes that, not even I like it...but now it has become a habit that needs to stop! 

5.- Changing behaviour of work and productivity to stay - chill- 

Abandoning your aspirations, goals or routines just to please others can become really dangerous to yourself. If you're ever in the middle of that cycle, please stop. Seems like everyone wants us to be some kind of way, but c'mon there is nothing bad with being yourself. This hit me this weekend...why did I ever stop working until late night? Why did I stop perfectioning my work? Why did I kept on putting my own confort over way more important things? 

For example, dieting over 10 years ain't pretty. Let me tell you, it becomes a disastreous loop of dissapointment. Why? As far as I can tell and leaving aside ED thoughts and behaviours, there was never enough done, always leaving in the middle, when progress was not arriving as fast as wanted or when emotions hit hard and food was conforting. Tonight I tell my self... Babygirl it is time to STOP! 

Time to rise above everything and reach to my inner strength.  No pleasing others, time to fight for myself and don't let anyone shame me for who I am or how I do stuff. This time it is for me and I want my best! Change & progress won't be visible in one day, maybe two or maybe nobody will notice for weeks...months! 

So this is the plan: 

October is gonna be such a great month, I'm gonna own it, take it in my hands and get the badass girl that is in me right out for the world to know ~   

This entry might be one that a lot can identify with, since it is about a process we all go through our entire life, yes loves, it is Change. 

When we are little, everyone places expectations for us, how we have to be as adults, our profession, lifestyle, even our sexuality is involved here! Every single aspect of life is ridiculously expected to be perfect, free of errors and always aspiring to become what our ancestors  couldn't. Somehow it shakes our little core, influencing decisions in our path. 

I will ommit the biological change for this text, later we'll be able to discuss such matters in a more detailed way, that and the adversities it has for us when it happens.  Ok to go on, our mind is always processing information, brain is one hardcore worker! To me the struggle that comes with change is the hardship of moving out of comfort, out of my coccoon in which I develop for a period of time, or maybe even the routine that enhances my productivity and happiness also. Could be anything I am happy with and believe me, everytime I get to a good point in life, where I don't even worry and smile everyday the issues arise, having me thinking of the past, mistakes, future and worries overall. 

It stops me from living my happy present 

Even though we are forced to change by growing up and social activities recquired with age, some of us really cry our heart out every stage of life. I remember being so afraid of entering college and damn, I'm graduating this year! It is unbeliavable to me, the actual fact still hasn't processed enough in my mind to accept that in a few months I'll be crossing another stage and will have to adapt to another and scarier one no matter what.


Avoiding reality 

To me, games were just a part of my day that caused fun, they give my brain a rest but also exercise some of the creativity, strategy and motor skills. It is all fun and games until you realize that you spend your day wishing for some time to play, which becomes a whole afternoon and then a daily routine.

Even though I don't judge games or people who play them, I notice that for me, they have become an escape from my changing reality, since I rather play Age of Empires than study or clean my living space. I realized the act of gaming became my comfort zone even though the majority of the time I lose in them, but it is incredible how building a virtual reality is so relaxing, numbs the mind and lets it breathe without worrying about anything real.

Until you wake up in the morning and there are no clean clothes, your bedroom is a mess and you haven't propperly fed yourself in a long time, or fed the brain some juicy information.


Recognition and Acceptation 

I am not doing anything for myself.

Repeat and actually recognize that even though it is lovely to build an entire civilization or watch other people reach their dreams, you have a body & mind of your own that needs nourishment, no one else can do it for you and no game will ever let you manage real life as easy as a ctrl clic will ever do.

It feels like crap, yes! Believe me, we all go through a moment in life that destroys the cloud of numbing we sometimes live in, nobody likes to hear they're failing to themselves. And by failing I mean not taking care or listening to the person you are, no interruptions and no comfort treats of any kind but a raw version of yourself.

Once we accept that we are not really working towards anything to take care of ourselves, then change can happen. This time, change that we can sort of manage and launch without being absorbed by an external change. To me it came represented in the way of decluttering, cleaning, dieting (learning how to eat) and exercising. I'm not perfect and all of these had setbacks, but I recognized my obstacles and got up to emend them. Gotta remember life is one, is today.

So, what next? 

Ok, we have discussed ups and downs, now what are we supposed to do? My honest advice and what I am following at the moment is to be true to yourself, listen to what you need (body & mind), don't give up, changes might be hard but it's happening either way, some of them are unavoidable and the best we can do is outgrow them.

Hello & Welcome to a cherry post that this time, will tell you how one afternoon ...

As a 13/14 year old girl, life did not had terrible complications, but it started to crumble with the surprise of depression alongside a growing eating dissorder. I was very sad, cried in school, nobody ever worried too much, not enough to actually figure out it was more serious than hormonal changes.

I hated my body, surrounded by a 60cm waist mother, a grandma that bought waist trainers for me when I was only eleven and the usual social pressure comming from already skinny friends, my mental health started deterioring, restricting my food intake, getting into self injury and a bad community of ANA's that were not helpful at all, at least in making progress or recovering.

This summes up a bit from my early teenager years. Rock music calmed me a lot, but most of it would be the one that comes with sad lyrics or dramatic lyrics, yup! a slight dramatic genre of it, sad ballads, sad rock, sad and angry metal, That and even more! So, my daily inspiration was not the best to stay on track with recovery, or actually trying it for real! Indulging in sad melodies everyday was definitely not the way to happy state (at least for my case).

One Saturday afternoon while browsing Youtube videos, watching some performances of my rock bands and exploring everything I could, the section called  "videos being watched right now" caught my attention. It was a pink thumbnail with girls in it, to the date, the reason of why I cliked that video remains unknown, but it led to a significative point in life that would change it all.

Here I present you the first K-pop video that shook my mind 

❤

The song might not be the greates musical discovery, but it surely had nothing to do with any sadness or feeling that evoked it. It was just fun and not at all tiring, in fact, it made me want to learn their dance and sing along even though the lyrics are in korean and at the time I only understood english. That video led me to explore more, first I searched for more material of the beloved Wondergirls (sadly now disbanded) and I found a range of groups that had a diversity of charms to offer. A lot of people say k-pop groups are all the same, but believe me if you look past prejudice and actually look at them, you will eventually know k-pop has a ton of styles within, not being globed by a certain way. 

Back to my story, this little girl started to follow their activities, browsing through multiple korean sites, videos and lyrics (romanized of course) leading me to grow interest not only in k-pop, but in Korea itself. Due that, I learned how to read their alphabet, to pronounce and sing propperly. 

Culture has always been an interest of mine, I read a lot and investigate about a ton of them online so, Korea became my focus and I learned even more about it through, guess what! Variety Shows! Learning vocabulary and mannerisms became way easier with them on my side and this culture showed me a side of life that can really affect everyone's lives in a sweet positive way.

If you know about Korea, you must know already that self-growth, hard-work, constance and everyday upgrade are vital components of life over there. Having this in mind, even though my eating dissorder wasn't cured magically, it was certainly re-directing itself to a more positive light, having me eat healthier foods like: sweet potatoes, lettuce (kimchi influenced), milk, even meat! I was going through a vegetarian period and cut out meat but watching shows of koreans eating it simply made my mouth water :3  

From this day my discipline totally upgraded, i learned dances (I still know the steps for the song above), korean language, korean culture, history and even geography! Wondergirls became my beloved girlgroup and even though there are hundreds of them now and they disbanded recently, they're always gonna be in my heart. I sincerely think that you can make the best out of any hobby such as dancing k-pop, watching variety shows and more into a really nice activity that also brings something to your own life. 

My depression was not magically healed or gone, but it got way better, this songs helped me get a different perspective, everything was happier, videos made me dance and workout and overall be a happier girl in my everyday life, even now when I'm blue and need a hype I can always trust some k-pop to brighten my day!